OK, where do I begin? This will be our last blog post, or should I say, posts. I’ve had to break it into 6 easier-to-digest chunks. I just started to write some thoughts and it turned into 11,000 words. If only that had happened at university.
So, I will say this only once (dodgy French accent), and then shut up.
This is my Jerry Maguire moment.
And enough of the social media, especially facebook, at least for now, I’ve got too much other stuff to do. Friends, if you want to get hold of me, please email, skype or call me, or better still, come see me.
I do and say all of this for a few reasons, but the main one is that there’s a lot of people talking. Sometimes that is a really good thing, as some people have never had a chance to talk. But unless it’s really important, I don’t want to add any more noise to our already too noisy world. I have found my peace. I stopped trying to do everything, and finally gave in – a ‘diving bell and the butterfly’ moment, Thelma and Louise jumping off the cliff. And I got caught. Yes, there is a God, He saves, He redeems, His Grace is huge and bigger than anything you can imagine. Jesus is His Son, and He died a horrific, painful, shameful death so that we can come back to our Father and rest in His love. I’ve called myself a Christian for over 15 years but have only just got this. It’s awesome, in the real sense of the world. And wonderful, and scary, and big. It’s how our life is meant to be, and not like The Office. It may sound crazy, but I am of sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Anything by C.S.Lewis says this much better than I ever could.
So, I need to stop talking. And also telling people how to do things, or how great God is and just do what He tells me to do. When I am obedient, it is actually really fun and releasing and free from worry. There are people here and now who really, really need help, right now. Dallas is the place I am in for now, and it is full of hurting people, and they’re right here and I’ve been too busy worrying what you might think of me, or that I needed more money, or more stuff to help them. I’ve been the Sadducee who walks to the other side of the road, and I’m sorry. I don’t need the stuff and I don’t want to clutter up your life either, but if I have it and you need it, my hope is to let go of it, and to give it to you.
I have been an angry Martha watching Mary for so long that I didn’t realise that all I had to do was sit at His feet and listen. His yoke is easy and his burden really is light. The transition for me to stop trying is hard, its like stopping a hurricane, and bringing forth new things is as painful as childbirth, but a new creation is evolving in me.
I have held my sweet daughter’s hand – her right hand – pretty much from the moment she was born. Now, despite all our efforts to try to get her to sleep with a ‘lovie’, a toy or a blanket like my son, she finds it hard to sleep with out holding my or my husband’s hand. And you can criticize me for my parenting style, but I love it (and for a long time I put her needs before mine, which is our very normal and natural instinct mothers, but its wrong, you can’t love others if you can’t love and care for yourself). I love to hold her hand and have her close, as much as she loves it too. And she is able to do what I can not yet do but which I must learn from a babe – that you can sleep peacefully, when you know you are safe, and loved.
The opinions expressed here and in the next 5 posts, are my own, not God’s. If you want to find out what he says, ask Him. I am a deeply, deeply flawed human being, saved by grace. Grace is what makes the difference. I say none of this to offend, to hurt or to place blame (apart from the bit about the guns). But I also don’t ask for your approval for my opinion, gained through my experience, my knowledge, my heart and my brain. But I do need to get it off my chest. It is a wee bit longer than I thought I was thinking, it turns out I have a lot to say, but if you’re up for listening, get a cuppa and a creme egg and have a wee sit. (and i take no credit for any of the clips).
To be continued….
Family, the section below is from blog no 5, coming up. I wrote this 3 weeks ago. It becomes all the more poignant after the events of today, so just had to include it.
Please my dear father, do this one thing for me. Put as much effort into getting help for your bodily pain as you do worrying about it. As wise Merit says, you need to change your diet, start doing yoga and/or get a dog so that you can relax. Your health was the number one reason that I would have come home (and that I know you both miss your grandchildren so much) but I can’t make you take care of yourself, only you can. Do it quickly, because I love you more than pretty much anybody else on earth and I’m not ready to let you go.